its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
