Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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