Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
