6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
