Sober January is a disaster.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
