Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
