Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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