got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
