My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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