I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
