We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
