No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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