he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
