I want to stick my p in your. b.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
