2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Randomize
