i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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