Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
