I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
