Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
