I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
