eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
