So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
