We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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