i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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