I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
