We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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