I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
