I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
