Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
That was before I lit my hair on fire
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
