Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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