It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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