Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
