Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
