Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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