im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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