mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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