Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
