mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
