Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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