At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Randomize
