We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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