How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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