did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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