Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
