MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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