he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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