4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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