Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
