No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
