God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
