Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
