i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
