Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
